From a failed relationship, to a “better” 1.

I would like to start of by stating that nobody died, and made me a relationship guru. In fact, I don’t even believe in there being such a thing as a relationship “expert”. We all live and learn, and we are all allowed to voice our opinions on various things surrounding relationships.

The idea that a singleton has no place to offer relationship advice, to me, is absurd. Those singletons who you do not deem fit to listen to his/her advice may in actual fact have more relationship experience than you do. Do not judge someone based on his or her current relationship status.

Ok, now that I have got that off of my chest, it is time to proceed with my post.

If you haven’t read my previous post “5 reasons why I am currently happy being single” then please do so here: https://missboansi.com/2016/08/18/5-reasons-why-i-am-happy-being-single/

Under that post a reader stated that they would love to read a post from me about how one “can move from a failed relationship to a better one”.

Although the below may not work for everyone, here are a few of the ways that I believe may lead one to enter the relationship that they DESERVE.

TIME

You have just come out of a relationship. Do not rush and dive straight into another one, ESPECIALLY if you have not fully got over your recent one. Take time out to reflect on things. Focus on what you have learnt from your now previous relationship, and mentally work out what you will/will not tolerate in your future relationship.

Use your new single status to fully connect with yourself, and allow yourself time to get over any hurt or disappointment that you may feel. There is no need to rush and be with someone else. Life is not a race. You are not in competition with anyone so allow yourself to heal before getting involved with anyone.

EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE

I think that this is INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT!!

Ok so your ex hurt you, and as much as I know that that must have been painful, DO NOT BRING ALL THAT HURT AND TRUST ISSUES INTO YOUR NEW RELATIONSHIP. That is an absolute recipe for DISASTER. There is nothing more infuriating than constantly having to prove to your partner that you are not like their ex.

At first, some individuals may be patient and understand that due to your ex letting you down, you have your guard up extremely high, but after a while it’ll no doubt become annoying and may result in your relationship failing because YOU DID NOT ALLOW YOURSELF TO HAVE ENOUGH TIME TO GET OVER YOUR HURT.

 Don’t get into a new relationship if you know that you will compare everything that your current partner does, to your ex. I’ve personally even been in a situation were I was eager to prove to someone that I wouldn’t hurt them like their ex did. However, after a while, I thought f*ck this. It became so tiring, that even talking to them started to feel like a chore that I no longer wanted to partake in. In the end I called it quits.

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                                                                                  THE DATING STAGE

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Should you date 1, or multiple people?

Whether you decide to date 1 person, or multiple people, the choice is yours. Do whatever you feel comfortable, but focus on your goal. Your goal is obviously to see who is compatible and worthy to be in a relationship with you.

During this stage, have some fun with it. When I say fun, I don’t mean sleep with everyone that you are getting to know. What I mean is, get creative with ways that you get to know whomever you are dating. For example, if you know that you’re dating Vanessa who loves anything involving art, why not take her to a free outdoor gallery? Notice that I said it was free. Going on a date doesn’t always have to cost an arm and a leg; it is simply a way for you to get to know one another in various environments/situations. However, you picking a specific location based on information that you have been told by whomever you are dating will obviously get you brownie points.

Confidence   

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Learn to love your imperfections. As silly as this may sound, waking up every morning and looking at yourself in the mirror in order to remind yourself how amazing you are is a perfect way to start. You have to really FEEL like you are a prize. Don’t worry, this may take some time, but when you really start to feel confident about yourself, there is nothing that anyone can say that will dampen your mood.

I’ve got to let you know though, being confident isn’t just about your appearance, it is about how you carry yourself, how you interact with people etc.

Conversing

When having conversations with the person that you are dating, try not to ask stupid questions like “would you ever cheat on your woman/man”?

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How about asking “so, when was the last time you cheated on someone?”. As crazy as that question is, you’re most likely going to get a much better answer than the original closed question.

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Use phone conversations, or face-to-face conversations as a way to learn more about that individual. Avoid asking dull typical closed questions, as that will most likely give you unseasoned answers.

One thing that I have stopped doing, is answering the following question:

So what type of guys do you go for?” B.O.R.I.N.G! This is obviously the part were you are expected to describe the kind of guys/girls that you like, so that this new person you are getting to know can pretend, or feel forced to fit into this ideal person that you described. It is so funny because now looking back on previous situations, when I used to answer this question, guys would pretend to be the person that I used to describe. BE SMART Y’ALL!

Sex

In terms of having sex with the person you are dating, I don’t really believe in time limits. Different things work for different people, so I think it would be wrong to say “hold out for 90 days”, because the fact of the matter is that even if you held out for a year, that does not automatically mean that the person will stay.

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Personally when it comes to these things, I’m a big believer in holding out until you feel like you know the individual well enough OR the time is right for you both. Never allow yourself to feel pressurised into having sex. If the person you are dating attempts to make you feel bad because you do not want to get intimate with them, then clearly this isn’t someone that you should be entering any type of relationship with.

On a separate note, I do want to make it clear that it is natural for the person you are dating to drop hints that they want to “blow your back out” (have sex). It is how you deal with their advances, and how they respond to what you say, that is the major key.

Friends and family

I believe that this topic is a bit iffy. There are many people that probably wouldn’t introduce someone that they are heavily dating to their family or friends. The reason for that is because these people only want to introduce their official boyfriend/girlfriend to their loves ones. This is perfectly understandable.

However, a few months ago I read a book entitled “Why men do not love women like you”- by G.L Lambert. Mr Lambert made a point that it is a good idea to introduce the person that you are heavily dating (if you are dating multiple people then this would be the person that stands out the most) to your friends, but not necessarily under serious circumstances. So, for example, maybe it is your best friends birthday and she/he is hosting a house party. You have been seeing this guy/girl heavily for about 2 months and so you decide to ask him/her if they’d like to attend this chilled out do with you. This will give you the opportunity to see how this individual interacts with your people. It is a way to see how the person you are dating behaves when in an environment were it is not just you and them, but other people that you know too. This could also work if you decided to hang out in a spot were you know that there is a possibility that you could bump into familiar faces.Observing how your date reacts to people coming over to you to greet you, will also show you your dates character.

As for introducing someone that you’re dating to your family, personally I wouldn’t do it, but each to their own.

~~~I WILL POST PART 2 OF THIS POST, ON TUESDAY 23RD AUGUST 2016~~~

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